One thing I learned from the last deployment is that just like everything else, it helps when you have a support system. Now that I have hindsight from my last experience I suggest setting up your support system before your significant other leaves. It may seem odd to have to do this. You may think, “Oh, well naturally my family and friends will be there”. Uh, not so much. Just like you, everyone has their own life happening, and while it may not be done intentionally, people will get preoccupied with their own situations or may not realize that you were counting on them for extra support. Which brings me to my next suggestion. It’s not enough to set up a support system, but you need to vocalize what your expectations of them are during the deployment. My dad used to always tell me, “The squeaky wheel gets the oil”. So, speak up! Everyone processes and deals with things differently and if you don’t tell people you need something, even if it’s just extra time together, a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to talk to, they might just assume that you’re doing fine and that you’re not bothered by it. This is why it’s important to express what your needs are and what your expectations of them are. For example, I briefly discussed with my future mother in law possibly having family in the house rotate either spending a night here once a week or me and the kids sleeping there every once in awhile so that I don’t feel alone or uncomfortable in the house by myself. We plan on continuing family dinners and spending lots of time together. Letting your family know that you’re looking for them to be around more or telling a friend that you’re gonna need someone to talk to or depend on during the time your spouse or significant other is away allows them to take a mental note that you don’t want to go through this alone and you’re gonna be looking to them for additional support. Now they will have a conscious thought to check in on you and make that extra phone call or stop by a little more often because you made it clear that you want them there. Last time the family and I were in a much different place, and like I stated before, my fiance and I had only recently started dating. They didn’t know much about me as a person and I didn’t know much about them and each of us were going through our own emotions as a girlfriend/fiance, as a mother, as a sister, as a brother. As far as friends went, they didn’t really understand and neither did my own family. It’s nobody’s fault that I felt alone in what I was going through, but had I been more open, I did have someone that would have understood it, and that was his family. Sure, it was different for each of us, as our relationships were all different, but we were all experiencing the same separation-loss. Communicating and making an effort would have closed that gap and it might’ve made it easier for all of us. Thankfully having been through it once, not that I’m looking forward to going through it again, I can go into this with higher hopes because since then we have all built a stronger bond and our communication is much better. We have become family even without having officially been married and making it legal. As a family we have been through a lot, but what’s made it easier is that through it all we’ve had each other. We’ve learned about each other’s weaknesses and grown together and I can honestly say I know this deployment will be much easier because of that. As easy as it can be to close yourself off and try to internalize everything, or maybe it’s because you don’t want to seem weak, unless you speak up and tell someone you need them or want them there you’ll have no one to blame but yourself for having gone through it alone. And if you’re someone who doesn’t have much family or maybe you don’t live close by, ask a friend to be there or look into support groups either at a church or through the military. There are online forums of wifes/husbands going through the same thing. Sign up to some of the groups. Create a safety net for yourself, because anyone who’s been through it knows, it’s not easy. It doesn’t make you a bad person, or a weak person and even with a support system there are going to be hard days and lonely nights. Having someone that knows and understands is much better than having someone that will maybe just get you out of the house for a night and help you drink your sorrows away or staying home by yourself and allowing all of the silence to creep into your mind and being drowned by fears and thoughts and sliding into a dark place that you might find hard to get out of. In life some things you have to learn the hard way. For me this was one of them. I’m no stranger to darkness but thanks to the support system I’ve built and the love of my family there has been much light shed at the end of the tunnel. I am eternally grateful for my safety net and the love that they have shown me. I no longer fear being alone and this is just one more thing that will strengthen us as a unit. Now having started this blog I look forward to the additional support I’ll grow and also the support I’ll hopefully share to all of my readers. May God bless you through all of your journeys and may your support system be as strong as my own, but remember YOU HAVE TO BUILD IT and the first step to doing that is to SPEAK UP.
Comments